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Sunday, April 24, 2016

The Power of Abuse (Raina Starr)

A person abused as a child will normally see those patterns manifest throughout their lives. Children cannot control their perspectives. The teenage years are already filled with the hyper-anxiety of changing hormones. Not really the best time to consider circumstantial self-examination.

This writing is for the adult survivors of childhood mistreatment. There are a bunch of us that actually did get out, somewhat ok. I grew up in a place and time where men, no matter how horrible they could be, were the lords of their domain. Any female was little more than a servant. My father was 10 years older than my mother. It made the generational divide even greater. My father truly was a foul-tempered, egomaniacal, obsessive-compulsive genius. He could cut you with no more than a look or a sentence. He was fast on his feet...and no attempts at reasoning with him ever penetrated his iron wall. He was notoriously right all the time. He beat me, lied to me, said I was ugly and stupid, and called me things you wouldn't say to your worst enemy. He despised me. And I him. For me, he was evil incarnate.....which brings me to my mother. A very beautiful, but continuously shrinking violet, she was too frightened to be alone. Every assault I withstood was one she didn't have to suffer. She was guilty by complicity. She would agree with me when he was out of the house, but would stand right by his side when he was on the attack. How sad that she refused to protect me.

Of course, one gravitates towards the familiar. In short order I had a string of abusive men walk thru my life. There's got to be a good one somewhere, right? Disappointment after disappointment, I drudged through..this one, then that one. I would make excuses when my partner would behave inappropriately in front of others. All the while, blaming my upbringing and abusers for the way things turned out.

Feel sorry for me. Boo-fucking-hoo.

 If you've been emotionally battered (especially by a parent), you are forever trying to find acceptance. When you want so desperately for people to like you, you open the door to even more abuse and the cycle perpetuates on its own. I had righteous anger. Some of it still remains to this day. But that alone wouldn't turn things around.

Then, it suddenly dawned on me...I could use this. I could take all of that pain and redirect it for my own purposes. The chart of your life is an outline that you can re-draw when you decide to get the guts for it. It isn't easy, but it can be done. Walk away from that bad relationship, say no to what you do not want, hang up on the person that damaged your young self image. You might not gain their respect initially, but you'll get your own, and that's where it starts to turn around. You're a fighter, damn it. If you can survive being stabbed in the back by the people who are supposed to love you most, what could possibly come against you? You've already lived thru the worst kind of betrayal.

Until next time, may you be blessed by the Gods.